I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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