you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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