I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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