I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
