Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
