so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
