i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
