you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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