Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
