i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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