I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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