Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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