I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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