I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
