He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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