This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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