How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
