After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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