I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
