Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
