Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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