I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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