I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
