right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
