awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
