I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
