Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
