chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
