found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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