I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
