I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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