I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Randomize
