I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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