Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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