I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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