If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
