Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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