i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
