Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
