Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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