I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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