I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
