i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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