Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
