My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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