He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
