I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
