Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
