So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
