So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You work out of a Hotel?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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