I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
