im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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