Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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