I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
