She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
