I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
