Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
