Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
